DAY 2: BELONG TO NOBODY, NO ENTITY.

Monday, 16 October 2023.

I am that one person who just can't grasp the beauty in romantic relationship. As much as I want to have a significant other, I think that in society I live with and the history of my romantic relationship, romantic relationship equals to ownership. I know it is not a universal truth, but that's just how I see it from me and others around me. 

When I think that opinion is way too radical, there is another thing I learned. The relationship I went through in the past years taught me that romantic relationship comes to your life with sense of responsibility since the first day it is established. The responsibility can be different depending on the situation, one of them is the responsibility to be available emotionally and physically while we as human being are so prone to the dynamic of internal battle, where internal turmoil is included.

That's not me talking as if I'm the one who really knows how to navigate a relationship. I experience otherwise. I experienced that ego of ownership plays a pivotal role in my romantic relationship history. Most of my exes would somewhat agree with that ego-masked treaty, then just like any other negotiation, they want something in return, which to some extent it can touch the infidelity area. See how I and my exes just set our romantic relationship to fail since the beginning? One culprit we can point out is ego-masked commitment that nobody wanted but happened to take over anyway.

One day I realized that perhaps, I am not ready for commitment, and probably that thought will be applied until I can tame my ego. I can't give anyone something that I don't have, and I can't put a predetermined requirement for them to fulfill my void or tame my ego. Simply put, I can't be open to a new form of affection.

I want to accept myself and make peace with that ego to tame it first before it makes things worse.

I want to be ready to pour with my fullness and intend to not take anything from anyone.

I want to belong to me first, before I can share myself to someone else.